Out of The Depths
by Redmoon124
Summary: Episode 5x13. Bridge to Tomorrow. My continuation of it. Maura's pov. The things we never say. Contains spoilers for episode.


Hi There. OF course I had to write something about 5x13. 'Bridge to tomorrow.'

Disclaimer. Do not own them. No infringement. I play because my bard didn't like that look in Maura's eyes and left to much unsaid.

Spoiler alert. If you haven't seen the episode you're not gonna have a clue what this is about. And it gonna spoil some stuff. So be warned.

Thank you.

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Out of the depths

''Jane's okay.''

His voice rumbles near her ear, causing a shiver. Not because of the sound, because of its meaning. Jane is okay, alive. She can only nod, fighting the new wave of tears at just the thought of it being different. How close it came. This time... Her breath hitches as the heat of him suddenly is there at her back, an arm going around her waist, tugging her closer. She looks down, even in the twilight the arm seems out of place, skin the wrong colour, hairs to thick, too masculine. His breath on her neck is stilled by the touch of lips. Her eyes flicker closed.

''She's tough.''

''She is stupid!'' The words escape, piercing the silence of night a crack of a whip. Leaving vibration on the recoil, anger, bitterness, more, much more unsaid. She tightens the seal on her mouth, not letting any more out. But it's too late, he's heard, she can tell by the way his body has gone riged.

''Maura?''

She can only shake her head. She shouldn't have called him, shouldn't have invited him to her bed. She needed something to hold on to. She'd been free-falling, lost, not understanding any of it. The ease in which Jane fell back into being Jane, jokes, laughs. Always the same, never different. Hoyt, shootings, kidnapping. Casey, Frost, miscarriage. Nothing ever changed... Jane never changed. She'd been the same, impotent in so many ways, in stopping Jane, in saving her. Always watching unable to act. Reduced to something she could do; Ravioli, fulfil one of Jane's to do list. She'd laughed, her face amused, an illusion of normality between them. It stripped her raw.

When Jane had left it was all suddenly too much, she needed a solid ground. Jack... She had clung to him like she was the one now drowning. But now, now after hours of no sleep and silence. She'd turned away, huddled in on herself. Tried to make sense of what was going on. Jane was okay. But she wasn't, not this time, and if she were to speak of all those times past, she was not okay then either. In all things she has learnt from Jane, the main one, the strongest one is how to pretend.

As he draws closer, her body goes tense. Pretending is not working, normality is not working. No, she shouldn't have called him, not tonight, not with everything inside a turmoil, not when she doesn't understand why she is so angry. Why this feeling inside is growing like a fire expanding and consuming.

He's leaning over her now, trying to gain eye contact, to see. She keeps her gaze firmly fixed on the stars outside. Trying to keep her breathing even, not alert him to her growing distress.

''Hey?''

His fingertips run across her shoulder, disrupting the control she is trying to maintain. It only confuses her more when she wants to push him away. She swallows hard, hands fisting the sheets beneath the blanket. Swallowing again as his lips caress the freckle she knows sits on her scapula. It would be so easy to turn, fall into him, lose herself in the sex, let it consume instead. But her stomach flips, skin tingling, hives. It wouldn't be fair, it would be a lie to be with him now. She shudders a breath. He has never been a lie. But right now, something is wrong. She tries to sort through why, why now? It only adds to the turmoil, the confusion.

''What's going on in that genius mind of yours?'' More kisses, more fingertips chasing shadows of skin. ''Why is Jane stupid?''

She closes her eye's so tightly she can see lights, electrons firing. Synapses misinterpreting the clenching of muscles.

His lips pause, speaking onto her skin. ''Jane's okay, honey. She's okay.''

Now she can't stand it. She rises from the bed in wave of motion, blanket pulled back a rush of heated air. He falls forward into the empty space with a grunt. But once she's up she doesn't know where to go. So she just stands there, staring at him. Her breathing is stuttering, chest heaving. He sits up immediately concern flashing across his face, his eyes.

''She is... '' Her words can't get passed the lump in her throat. His hand reaches out but she steps back. '' She. Is. Stupid!''

He sits up now, sheet dropping revealing his bare chest. ''Hey, it's okay. Come here.''

She steps back again, at his call, at the concern. ''It isn't okay.'' The anger is a rush of endorphins, adrenaline, her whole body throbs. ''She could have died. And you know what she said?''

His head shakes, concern growing, his body shifting, not knowing whether to stand or reach out to her.

''She didn't think of me... '' It chokes. ''Didn't think of her family... didn't... '' She has to gulp air. Hugging herself to hold what is breaking within. ''Didn't think of herself... Paul, just... She just acted to save him.''

He nods as if he understands. But she can see he doesn't, he doesn't understand, he doesn't get it. It engulfs her this rage, at him, at Jane. She turns, moving to leave, but turns back in a rush, watching his eyes widen.

''She gave me perfume.''

He blinks confused.

''Perfume!'' Her voice is a roar, tearing at her throat. ''As if her life, her near death was worth the price of a scent.'' Even as she says it she knows it doesn't make sense, knows it isn't what she wants to say. ''As if all is forgiven.'' Her fingers curl inward, nails indenting. She'd wanted to slap the perfume from Jane's hands. Slap Jane, shake her, make her see. She realises now, that's when this feeling had started and since then it has been building, growing. She can't breathe with it. This rage.

His hand goes back through his hair. Exhaling a sigh. ''I don't think she meant it like that.''

''It was meant that way, I know Jane. It was an I'm sorry I nearly died. Again! I'm sorry I scared you. Again! I'm sorry I did a stupid thing. AGAIN!'' Her hands go up, falling with a slap to her thighs. Voice sarcastic, scathing. She doesn't even recognize it. But it burns now, unable to stop it. All the times she'd held her tongue, all the times she'd wanted to yell, scream at Jane. ''At least it's a step up from gold fleck chocolate for being an ass.''

He frowns. ''What chocolate?'' He shifts forward unsure. ''Maura? You're not making much sense.''

She glares at him. ''Nothing makes any sense. Jane makes no sense!''

He actually jumps as she yells and it halts her anger. Blinking at the way he is looking at her, as if he doesn't know her. Her shoulders sag, suddenly exhausted, she isn't surprised at his look. She doesn't know who she is any more either. ''I'm sorry.'' It's inadequate. None of this is his fault. ''Why does she keep doing this to me?''

He sits up. ''To you?''

''Doesn't she know what it will do to me if she...'' It chokes again. Turning her sentence into a broken whisper. ''She... she can't just leave me alone now, not now.''

This time he sits straight. Eyes studying. She looks away, she doesn't want to know what he sees. Emotions are twisting, snarling within, unravelling like stitches being pulled from a sweater, each line leaving nothing but a twisted mess.

''She's a cop. She acts. It's what they're trained to do.''

Her head whips back. ''I know that. I of all people know that. I work with them every day. See what they do. But no-one, no-one does things like Jane does. No matter what the cost, on her. On others.''

He is still watching. A true professor at work, studying, learning, trying to find the answer. She meets his gaze this time. His face is still, but his eyes are seeping a knowledge she can't understand. He exhales a long drawn out breath. Sitting back, hand falling to his sides. ''You wouldn't be alone.''

She hiccups a breath, his tone cutting into her. ''Wh...at?''

He isn't looking at her now. ''You said you'd be alone. You wouldn't be. Angela, Frankie, Tommy. All of them. And... and I'd still be here.'' His eyes come up slowly.

She has to swallow this time at the wound she's caused. ''I... I know you would. I... I didn't mean it like that.''

''Then how did you mean it?''

''It... It.'' _You._ ''It wouldn't be the same... She's. She's my best friend. She's. She's... Jane.'' She can't find the words. But the fire inside grows, unforgiving this time. Dancing flames of images, Jane... Jane... Jane... It's agony the sudden awareness of why. It submerges her in liquid heat, stealing her breath. The shock, the truth of it.

Silence is loud. A ticking clock from below sounds like a tutting aunt. Her brain is alive with it, this revelation. Years of evidence. She must be wrong, it can't mean this. Her mouth falls open, evidence doesn't lie. She tenses as she hears him rise, his footfalls grow closer. She bites her lip, holding her breath. She can't look. Feels him stop in front of her, his breathing, his scent. Tears are already tracing lines down her face. He waits, doesn't speak, until finally she brings her gaze up to his.

''Jane's, what?'' Even though he asks she can see somehow he's already knows. His eyes are dim.

She shakes her head, not wanting to answer. It will change everything. lose everything. Fingers worrying the ring on her finger, blinks sending more tears free. She looks away.

''Maura?''

It's a plea, a prayer for something she can no-longer give. Fingertips on her chin turn her face back.

''Jane's, what?''

The sob bursts, a choked anguished thing, words tangled within. ''Jane's... Everything.''

The answer breaks them both.

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A/N

I'm evil. I know.

Also my story 'Humming bird.' I haven't given up on. it still lurks in my mind. but unfortunately a serious health issue makes writing difficult. So I lost the hum of the humming bird. but I am working on it. Hopefully health permitting a new chapter will appear.

Thank you all for reading, the pm'ers. the reviewers, and yes my oh silent readers too.

Tc all.


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